I just told him goodbye for the last n final time :-/ wish me luck. I need strength.

I love my bffs! Happy Birthday to me!!

So this morning started with me waking up feeling sicker than I have since I started feeling ill. I sit down at my computer and one of my closest friends is online and telling me she’s coming home. I’m completely thrown off by it. She then tells me she’s coming home due to the Red Cross which threw up a major red flag. She’s coming home due to her mother calling and saying it was an emergency and she needed to come home. Her cancer is getting worse and doesn’t know how much longer she’ll last. I’m speechless. This girl has gone through so much. She’s fighting for our country and is now at the point she may loose her mother. She has 2 weeks to spend with her and then has to go right back to Afghanistan. I couldn’t imagine being in her situation.

Too many of my close friends have lost their mothers. I couldn’t imagine life without mine. The thought of it makes me cringe. After having to see Leslie go through one of the biggest weekends of her life without her mom, I see how hard it is. My girls are some of the strongest women in my life. They have endured so much and still walk around with their heads held high. I respect you guys so much, if it wasn’t for you…i’d still be oblivious to so many things..

To those friends of mine that have lost a parent or are at risk of it right now. Stay strong. I <3 you.

This is to my girls. You are my rock. You are my inspiration.

“Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.”

I wish I wouldn’t have been selfish all those times and avoided you. It hurts me to this day to have done it. You mean the world to me. Seeing you in pain hurts me so bad. I know you try and tell me your okay but your not. I see it in your eyes. I know you better than you think I do. I’ll be here by your side because that’s what a real friend is for. No matter if you dont do what I think is best for you, I won’t abandon you.

Is it better to live for something with false hope or live for nothing? I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking. I would have given it all up for you but I see why you make your decisions. It makes me have a higher respect for you. I love you. I really do. When you asked yourself this question it made me think. I kept thinking you were crazy for holding on but then I realized I have done the same for the past two years. I’ve held onto you. We are very similar but very different. :-/ I’ve been told by many I’m crazy for how much I have and will continue to do for you but the reality is I don’t know how long I’ll have you. I don’t know if tomorrow I can wake up and you be alright. I can’t risk it anymore. I won’t loose my best friend if I have it my way.

“Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It’s all about timing.”

You taught me last time it was about patience. I’ve lost my patience over the past year. I do need to work on it and I will to better myself. Thank you for being willing to point out my flaws and help me fix them. <3

The past month has been a hard one in relation to friends and this trip to Memphis was my final straw. First I said goodbye to my closest friend of 10 years due to lack of having an actual relationship. I’m sick of putting everyones well being in front of my own and getting nothing in return. I don’t ask for much. All I want is to know that you actually care and our friendship means something to you. But I guess you don’t know how to do that. Go ahead and call me selfish all you want but in reality, I do too much for others to be selfish.

I went to Memphis to see my high school best friend commission into the Air Force as a 2nd Lt and graduate. I surprised her 38 hours early because that’s the type of person I am. She was beyond excited and thankful. I heard more thank you’s and I appreciate you coming than I have heard out of all of my friends mouths in the past year. I knew it was important to her so I made it possible.

But…while I was there I got messages including “you should buy me a drink” (by someone I barely talk to who on return didn’t make an effort to see me because I said no), “I really want to see you” (and no effort made), “I didn’t even see you, great friend you are” (when I called them twice and not one call in return). WTF. If I can fly across the country during midterms and YOU are on summer vacation why are you putting it on me like it’s my fault I didn’t see you. YOU could have picked up the phone and called me. Why are people so rediculous. I can’t do everything for everyone else. I’ve tried too long to satisfy unppreciative people.

This all ends with a friend calling me a “supposed friend” and talking smack because I was talking bad about her supposedly. But then she won’t answer the phone to even say what she’s talking about. & the funny part is the converstion she read was me telling her boyfriend to stick around no matter how frustrated he was with her. I guess I’m a bad friend for helping. Well peace out.

I know who my real friends are. They have made themselves shine brighter than ever. My real friends call me just to say I miss you not just when they need someone. My real friends push me to do what make me happy (such as graduation & gym) instead of only telling me about their lives. My real friends can see the struggle in my eyes and aren’t afraid to ask if I’m alright they don’t just assume I’m alright because I’m smiling. My real friends are willing to hear my opinion even if they don’t agree and don’t get pissed. If you only call me everytime you and your boyfriend(s) break up and then expect me to be there for you everytime when you just run back but when I call you your too busy with your “lover” your not a friend.

It’s amazing that the people you are closest to can be thousands of miles away or even in other countries and they feel closer than ever. Yet…the people near can’t even open their minds to what a friend is. It’s sad to know that if I break down the first person I’d call or contact is no where near but most likely to get to me quickest.

Cheryl & Robin, thank you for being the most reliable friends I have in Cali. I know I can be a mess sometimes but you never fail to open my eyes. I love you.

The past four years of my life have mainly been focused around graduating college. I am now six weeks away from graduating. Everyday I am given a reminder about how much has changed in the past four years. At times it is good and refreshing and at others it is sad. I’ve taken the past two months to just focus on myself and it was beyond helpful. I’ve learned to let go and accept things as they are. But at the same time I have realized what I want and deserve in life and plan to act upon it.

“I’ve learned that things change, people change, and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up; it simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren’t meant to be.”

Now is the time I need to focus on myself. I’ve always been the person that is there to help everyone else but when it comes down to it where are (YOU) when I need the support. I’ve been in the gym for almost two hours a day to give myself the time I need that is about myself. I have lost a few close friends in the past few years for reasons that vary. No matter how much it hurts, I know that I have to look out for myself before other people in regards to relationships.

“Some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you want them to be.”

College has been an amazing experience but at the same time resembles an extremely hard time for me. I lost the person I never thought I would. I lost friendships. I lost a close friend (RIP). But I’ve also built relationships that I think will be a part of my life for the long haul. You loose some and you gain some. The art of letting go has become a huge part of my life but realizing what is best for myself is the reward.

Thank you for all the people in my life that have helped shaped the person I am. Especially recently. The support I have received from you has really helped me succeed. <3

IF only more people had as big of a heart as he does…

“All good things come to he who waits.” -Proverb

I could not explain this any better. My life has been full of the most drastic ups and downs in the past four years. I wish I knew then what I know now. Patience is a virtue that many people do not have. The ones that have it do not realize how amazing it is. After coming to terms with my life not too long ago, I have opened my eyes up to so much more. I have become closer friends with someone that literally has changed my life. She for the first time in 6 years is sober and has been such an inspiration to me. Seeing someone at their darkest times and watching them bloom into such a beautiful person made me stop and think. The fact I hadn’t sat back and thought about what I wanted out of life was holding me back. I first sat down and figured out WHAT I deserve and what I want then I figured out HOW I will achieve my goals (small and big).

Over the past three days it seems that everything has made a huge turn around. I got a call back from the interview that I went too. I’m really excited, the position would be another life changing experience. I want to help children and the company is so amazing. THEN, I figured out how to be able to go see my BFF from high school graduate college and here commencement into the Air Force. I also have completely cut out “the idiot” out of my life. No longer dealing with his b%llsh*t anymore. It has been such a stress relief. ALSO, when in Memphis I’ll get to see one of the most amazing men I have ever met. He’s been like a dream come true in relation to making me vision life in a whole other way! UHMAZING if I may say so myself!

I FINALLY have motivation again. I’ve lacked it for quite some time. I’ve been going back to the gym with Robin. I have way more energy and have been consistent. Who would have known that being patient would get me what I need and deserve?! I thought the road was only going to get worse and as soon as I took a step back, Life decided to take a turn for the better!

<3

I’ve spent the past few hours going through the past PostSecret (postsecret.blogspot.com) entries and found myself relating to so many of them. So I decided that I would share the ones that made me think the most and why.

This brought me back to the last time I was in Killeen, Tx. I sat in tears for two hours before my flight knowing I was leaving someone I would NEVER see again. Life isn’t easy. I find myself having to exit peoples lives for multiple reasons. I’ve never been the type of person who is able to turn their backs on someone unless its really necessary but that doesn’t make it easier. I knew I had to leave and never turn back but it didn’t make the situation any easier. The sweetest lady sat next to me and put her arm around me and told me that regardless the situation that “life would get easier. everything in life has its up and downs. think about the sunrise and the sunset. if it’s a dark situation, it comes back brighter than ever.” People need to learn to look at the brighter things behind the darkest moments in their lives. Instead of living in the darkness, make yourself shine. <3 Still to this day (2 years later), I still find myself thinking about this person who was horrible to me and wondering if they are okay. I just hope they were able to turn the situation around and make themselves a better person because I for sure learned a lot about myself. 

I’ve learned recently more than ever that people don’t truly speak their minds. I’m the type of person who doesn’t hold things back. I prefer to tell you how it is and you get mad than for me to hold back how I really feel because in the end the other person will be able to say “atleast they told me the truth about what was going on”. I know the truth is hard to hear but the reality of it is that life sucks at times and you have to be able to accept it for what it is. Do you want to know what I really want to say right now….”Why am I so accepting of your situation which is the same as mine, but you are so negative about mine?!”

What is the point of putting 110% into a friendship if they in return are never there to be a friend to you? I think this PostSecret captured how I feel at this exact moment more than ever before. The past year of my life has been the biggest struggle of my life so far. I’ve always been the person that has so many people around being so supportive but right now, WHERE ARE YOU? I have a feeling by the end of the month I will have yet again cut off people who are not worth my time. In 9 weeks, I will be a college graduate and I do not need to drag along people who aren’t “Friends” anymore. But if your reading this, You are soooo worth my time :) 

I have a confession. I still wear my ring on a random basis because it reminds me of what I am today. I am who I am today because of him regardless if I want to admit it. I did find myself questioning “What If” about him a lot two months ago but I now realize that I can’t do that to myself anymore.  We had many good times but we also fought so much. I deserve a stress free life and someone who will help me live that way. <3

I REFUSE TO HOLD ON TO THE PAST NEGATIVELY. 

Its time to set myself free. No more waiting around for what the could be’s but instead make it how I want it to be.

Lady Gaga has helped me release a new side of myself. I realize I can be a strong independent woman and speak the truth. Who cares what anyone else thinks because as long as I am honest with myself then..”I’m a free bitch baby” <3

YOU should try it out!

fuckyeahladygaga:

Submitted by dengcaleb